oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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