plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
