Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
