she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
