I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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