Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
