I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
