we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
