i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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