I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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