this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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