I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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