May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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