i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
