I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Girls should come with a carfax report
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
