Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
