I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
