sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
