he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You ruined the universe
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
