I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
