you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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