'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
