my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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