She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
