glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
