the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
