I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
