"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
