I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
