he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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