I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
