margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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