wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
