last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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