That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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