I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i believe in u and ur pee
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
