I could have mohawked her pubes.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
