The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
