Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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