I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
