I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
