Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
