I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
