The maid of honor just puked.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
