I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
