Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
