It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
