did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
