I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
