I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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