He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
