i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
